i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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