I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
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