pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were trust falling into bushes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
