so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
