Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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