i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize