I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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