My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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