i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
