I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
