sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
