dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
