You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
