I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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