He uses pillows to masturbate.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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