dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
