See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know her cup size but not her name....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
