wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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