What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
