in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
