we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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