Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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