He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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