i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
