I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
