just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
