"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
