"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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