i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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