you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
