my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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