I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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