I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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