Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
