this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
