i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
