My friends, they love my intelligence
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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