I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
