the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
