The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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