Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
