but the lizard people decide everything anyway
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
