PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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