dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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