I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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