the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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