I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
