what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize