Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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