Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
