Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Come see our sink grown plant.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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