Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
