never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
