Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
