Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
