My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
