what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
