my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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