did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
don't judge my taste in strippers
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
