Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize